Apologies Matter
“I’m sorry you feel that way…”
“Really? Then why doesn’t it feel like you are sorry?”
Knowing how to effectively apologize is a gift to those involved, both for the giver and the receiver. At this time, July 2020, there is an ever increasing number of individuals making public apologies, yet so few of them seem to be effective.
Recently, I was not afforded the opportunity to apologize. The situation left me feeling sad, confused and disempowered. I would have liked to understand what I did in order to apologize, as it would have been healing for both sides and enabled me to learn from my mistake and commit to doing better in the future.
Ironically, my business is early conflict resolution and I often coach clients on giving successful apologies.
In recent weeks, the public has watched one person after another fail in their attempts to make a public apology for various behaviors and comments that have caused others pain. This is due to not knowing the fundamentals of an effective apology, which I aim to address here.
How to Give an Effective Apology
Acknowledge
First, you must clearly state the statements and/or acts for which you are apologizing. This allows the people you are apologizing to, to know that you recognize what you did.
After detailing the behaviors that you are apologizing for, you need to acknowledge the impact of those behaviors and demonstrate your pain about what you have done.
Learning
Let the aggrieved know what you have learned from the experience and what you will do next time.
Repair
Verbalize how you plan to make up for the past conduct. Commit to ongoing change.
Let’s look at a few of the public ‘apologies’ made recently . . .
This first example comes from a lead actress of a popular television show who has been accused by fellow castmates for horrific bullying and exclusionary behavior. She exhibited several traumatic micro-aggressions such as:
Causing a cast mate to feel like a ‘circus freak’ after being told she was in the wrong restroom while undergoing a gender transition
Threatening to defecate in a castmates wig
Showing Mean Girl behavior by not letting certain cast members sit with her
The list, sadly, continues . . .
Below are snippets of her apologetic response to her accusers:
". . .the responses I received to what I posted have made me also focus specifically on how my own behavior towards fellow cast members was perceived by them.”
"Whether it was my privileged position and perspective that caused me to be perceived as insensitive or inappropriate at times or whether it was just my immaturity and me just being unnecessarily difficult. . .”
In this statement, the actress takes zero responsibility for her actions. Her words speak of her own victimhood, and do not address her privileged position, shifting blame on others’ ‘perceptions’ of what she did. Her understanding is that she did nothing wrong except perhaps be immature and unnecessarily difficult. However, immature and unnecessarily difficult behavior for a lead actress is more along the lines of:
"I want chicken and you only have a veggie and beef option. Can you make me a chicken dish?”
"Oops, I slept through my alarm and showed up late to set”
"I know it’s 10pm but I want that pizza from my favorite place in Malibu, can you pick it up for me?”
This demonstrates the importance of step one. Because she doesn’t acknowledge or take responsibility for her actions that inflicted pain on others, the apology renders worthless and meaningless.
Let’s discuss the NFL’s recent change of heart in support of peaceful protest at games.
“We, the NFL, condemn racism and the systematic oppression of Black People. We, the NFL, admit we were wrong for not listening to NFL players earlier and encourage all to speak out and peacefully protest.”
This apology is flawed in many ways. The first is relative to the league’s relationship and fallout with Colin Kaepernick, who was condemned from the league for taking a public stance against police brutality and racial inequality in America. They are apologizing for not listening to NFL players earlier rather than owning up to bringing Kaepernick’s NFL career to a standstill.
Second, there is no mention of the impact the NFL ‘not listening’ had on its players and Black staff, and no mention of what they are going to do to make it right.
Now here is one from a big Hollywood industry magazine’s Editor-in-chief, who is taking an administrative leave after recently calling a South Asian writer bitter for calling her out for not doing more to increase diversity in her Newsroom.
Fortunately, this apology is much better than the first two examples.
“I completely understand your anger and upset at me; it is not at all misplaced. I am so ashamed, humiliated and regretful for my actions and the pain it has caused both internally and externally. I sent a direct message to P*** to apologize profusely for my insensitive and ignorant remarks, which I made in a moment when what I should have been doing was listening.”
“After a very tough and emotional conversation with J** this morning, I am recognizing that my many years as a journalist did not necessarily prepare me for a leadership role in such a large and thriving newsroom,” .
“I sincerely hope that, when the time is right, each of you would consider giving me a chance to rejoin this great organization and someday make you proud . As I said, I have a lot of thinking, working, and changing to do.”
In this apology, the giver understands the impact of her behavior and addresses the pain that it caused others. In acknowledging her wrongdoing and committing to learning from her mistakes, she is sincerely and effectively apologizing .
Why does giving and receiving an apology matter?
Receiving an apology allows the person who has been wronged to:
Feel acknowledged that the offense was not their fault
The offender has learnt from their mistake
The offender is sorry for the pain they have caused
The offender is committed to changing their behavior
Giving an apology allows the guilty party to:
Take responsibility by admitting they did wrong
Demonstrate that they understand the impact of their actions,
Address how they plan to make it right,
Enables the building of trust and a commitment to be better in the future
Apologies are not easy, however they are vital in mending, maintaining and healing relationships and the connections between us as individuals, families, communities and countries. My hope is that by sharing these insights on apology I can inspire others to do better and treat those we have hurt with dignity and respect.